Stop telling everyone how they ort live their lives and how to be and just love.

If everyone who’s worth a damn just leaves as soon as possible, then what’s left?

Christians just love to feel persecuted in the South.

Do you really think that if Jesus came back, he’d be hanging out with Ted fuckinging Cruz? Ted Cruz’s wife doesn’t hang out with Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz is a skin-walker and a demon from the nether region.

Pheromones are like titties for your nose.

If it wasn’t for Prohibition, we wouldn’t have NASCAR, and if it wasn’t for NASCAR we wouldn’t have Dale Earnhardt, and if we didn’t have Dale Earnhardt, then our mamaws wouldn’t have any plates on their walls.

Men claiming superiority over women because men make more money than they do is like claiming you’re stronger than a lion that you tranquilized and put in a cage.

Y’all ever seen that ‘monkeys typing in a room for eternity would eventually create the works of Shakespeare’ quote? Well, one time Drew got high and stated, ‘Wait, that happened already. We’re monkeys, and space is eternity, and we typed, and it happened.’ He insisted we put it in the book.

We do wish they’d have the same fervor and monetary backing for, say, a group of black legal gun carriers in Ferguson, Missouri, as they do white folks.

I could shoot the dick off a hummingbird but fuck the NRA with a prickly pear.